Exploring the Human Condition with Lili Tarkow-Reinisch

Lili Tarkow-Reinisch | Psychotherapist, Behavioural Analyst, and Scientific Fellow

With over 25 years of experience in individual and family therapy, Lili’s approach blends deep clinical knowledge with a sharp understanding of systems, patterns, and behaviour. This month, we sat down with her to explore the thinking behind her work; from economics to evolution.

Your professional journey uniquely blends psychotherapy with economics and business expertise. How does your economics background influence your approach when working with clients facing complex mental health or addiction challenges?
“It means I’m highly data-driven and evidence-based. I don’t believe in mysteries when it comes to human behaviour – nothing happens in a vacuum. I look for cause and effect, and I rarely see things as one-sided. Complex mental health issues and addiction challenges usually have a systemic legacy.

Economics also prepared me for unpredictability. Years ago, I read about the Tulip Craze of the 1630s in a book called A Random Walk Down Wall Street, and it said a lot about how we chase happiness through wealth. I’ve also come to see that relationships have their own economy. When we create emotional scarcity – not giving away too much of ourselves – our perceived value can go up. That’s a powerful tool when teaching clients about boundaries and self-worth.”

Given your extensive experience with trauma and bereavement, how do you maintain resilience and balance, especially when supporting individuals through highly emotional circumstances?
“I watch stand-up comedy every day. I hug my kids and tell them I love them … as much as they’ll let me and I make sure to match every hard story with something joyful, even if it’s small.

But above all, I have faith in survivorship. I truly believe that even when someone feels like they’re fighting a war on every front, they have the capacity to survive. I’ve worked with people who’ve endured the unthinkable, and somehow, a ray of light still finds them.

There are some traumas that leave an indelible mark. You don’t walk away unchanged. Sometimes, the person you were doesn’t survive – but someone new can emerge in their place.”

You’ve achieved recognition as a platinum award-winning songwriter. Does that creative work influence your approach to therapy?
“Profoundly, yes. Songwriting has taught me to live with failure. For every successful track, there are hundreds that don’t take root. Some of the ones I’m most proud of never got cut. But I’ve never lost my belief in the power of words.

Like therapy, songwriting gives shape to our hopes, fears, and truths. Most songs are about love, pain, loss, and joy … the very things we sit with in therapy. I see love as something alive. If you misuse it or take it for granted, it can leave you. I carry that philosophy into everything I do.”

Having appeared across media outlets from Channel 4 to MTV, what misconceptions about psychotherapy do you still encounter – and how do you approach addressing them?
“Thankfully, misconceptions are fading. The language of psychology has entered everyday conversation, which is mostly a good thing. Though I do worry when clinical terms are used casually; words like ‘narcissist’ or ‘sociopath’ can be thrown around without care.

That said, I’m immensely grateful that the public now has access to language around topics like predation or paedophilia. There was a time when people couldn’t even describe what had happened to them. Words give people the ability to name their experience, seek support, and find others who understand. In my media work, I always try to champion that linguistic crossover – it can be life-changing.”

As a Scientific Fellow of the Zoological Society of London, how do your interests in science and nature influence your clinical perspective, particularly when working with trauma?
“They remind me that we are animals. We share up to 99% of our DNA with chimpanzees, and many behaviours – especially within family systems – are rooted in what I call the 3 R’s: genetic Relatedness, access to Resources, and capacity for Reproduction.

Understanding that framework helps clients make sense of family dynamics or trauma in a less personal, more systemic way. It’s particularly helpful in complex cases, including forensic work.

Also, like all animals, humans don’t thrive in high-stress environments with no perceived escape. But unlike other animals, we have language – and language is our greatest tool for healing. Talking helps us make sense of suffering, release shame, and find meaning. That is uniquely human. And it’s a privilege to witness.”